How to give praise

"Wow, great haircut" is a compliment.  But not to the person whose hair it is.  You're complimenting their hairdresser.

"Awesome car", might be praise to the design team at Ferrari or Lamborghini, but is no compliment at all the intended recipient.

"Those are cool jeans", might reflect my taste or the fact that Diesel are having a stylish season.  But again, it isn't a compliment.

Paying a compliment has been confused with telling somebody you like something they own or wear or can do. These are worth commenting on, but for praise to have power you have to find something personal.  Even better if it's something they've worked on, and you can tell them why you like it.

e.g.
Well done on completing that work so quickly. It was a great essay, and I know you didn't have much time to do it.

I really admire your patience in keeping so calm with difficult customers.

Thank you so much for your help today. I realise that you went out of your way, and I really appreciate it.

I love the way you take unusual accessories and make a cool outfit. You have a great sense of style.

The way you write is really clear and touching.  It inspires me.



Some of us - perhaps many - live and work in compliment-deficient environments.  Go out there and give a genuine compliment. A moment of honest praise can change somebody's entire day.

Wear your lucky pants every day

My friend has a lucky shirt. He wears it for interviews, for meetings, and when he's going out to meet girls.  The day he had a haircut and bought some sharp new shoes he went out to a club and had an amazing time: every interaction went really well.  "Girls love the shoes", he told me, "and my haircut makes me look way better".

We've all had a similar feeling. A new shirt, new dress, new shoes, new make-up, new jeans or a new haircut can make us feel amazing.  We smile because we know we look good, and the world smiles back at us.  People are friendlier, the weather seems better, and everybody is suddenly checking us out.

Or are they?

Our thought process on this is skewed. We think:  new clothes -> we look good -> people respond better to us -> it's all thanks to the new clothes.  This confuses cause and effect. People don't usually care about your shoes, your hair or your jeans. They respond to your vibe, your energy, your mood.

In fact:  new clothes -> we feel good about ourselves -> we put out a good vibe -> people respond better to us -> it's all thanks to the new vibe.

In a consumerist society we feel more confident when we buy something that improves our appearance. But other people don't know that your dress is brand new and you love it.  They only know that you seem happy and confident, and they want to be around you.  We're drawn to people because of their vibe, not their Armani shirt.

New outfits or styles give you society's permission to feel great. More specifically, they give you permission to allow yourself to feel great.  But you don't need the clothes, the watch, the haircut or the car.  All you need is to feel great. 

So do everything you can to feel amazing about yourself; people will respond to you in a different way. But don't wait to buy another item of expensive clothing, simply give yourself permission to feel amazing. Right here. Right now. Breathe and be happy.

Let your workers do their work

Your company employs a team of highly skilled carpenters, for whom you provide the tools. But you don't quite give enough hacksaws for everybody to have one, so they have to wait around until one is available. And sometimes - well, quite often actually - the drills don't have the proper drill bits.  There are two planers, and they are frequently missing.  When the carpenters come to have a tea break, there's only an unclean room without enough places for them to sit and relax, nor enough clean mugs. The customers complain to the workers, but all the carpenters can do is apologise.

This would be a ridiculous hypothetical scenario. And yet....

I have worked in environments where at any time about 1 in 3 of the computers didn't work properly.   Some of them didn't have the correct software installed to do work. Useful equipment was often missing. Telephones were out of order and not replaced. The hot water boiler in the common room didn't work. Chairs were broken, sofas worn, and the walls dirty. Repeated requests for new chairs were ignored.

How much contempt must an employer have for their staff when they don't even take the effort to give them equipment that works? Needless to say, employee morale was very low.

Employees felt the lack of respect and felt unvalued.  If an organisation won't even enable their employees to work effectively, then they can hardly expect efficiency, let alone loyalty.  A monopolistic organisation can afford to treat its employees with disrespect, but even then it diminishes everybody.

Give your employees tools. Make sure the tools work.  If you won't support them in their work, they will never support you in return.

Make mornings productive

Sleep is where good intentions go to die.  Every evening I plan to wake up early. I’m going to have time to go for a run, meditate, or do some writing. I set my alarm for 30 minutes earlier than I need to - I’m looking forward to starting the day so productively. It will be fantastic to get into a regular morning habit. Then sleep…  and then the alarm goes off....

Maybe I’ve slept well and the bed feels so cosy that I want to stay in just a little longer;  or I’ve slept badly and today – just today – I really need an extra 30 minutes of sleep;  or maybe I’ll just stay in bed and check my emails for a few minutes before I get up.  Suddenly there’s not quite enough time to run, meditate, or write.  I’ll have to start tomorrow.

Hands up if this sounds familiar.  Don’t worry, you’re not alone: we humans are short-termists. Furthermore, our rational mind gets quickly overwhelmed by feelings and emotions.

The decision you made the night before is the right one.  Your change of heart and mind in the morning is born of a desire for comfort, an unwillingness to face the short-term pain that brings long term change.

Knowing that your original decision is the right one, you just need to help yourself act on it. Getting to bed earlier is a big help. Sorting out your sleep will help as well (start by turning off the TV and computer 60 minutes before going to sleep).  Having a supportive partner is useful.

The single most useful thing, though, is to get OUT of the bedroom.  Set an alarm – no, two alarms, or even three – and position them so that you have to get out of bed to switch them off. Once you’re out of bed, keep moving. Move to the kitchen to have some water.  Stay out of the bedroom. And then do your thing.  Whatever it is – running, meditating, reading or writing – make that the first thing you do.  The moment you stop to read the paper, check emails, or have a quick glance at something online, you’ve lost.  JFDI.  And don’t forget to congratulate yourself when you’re done; but don’t be smug – tomorrow will be just as tough.

Get up, get out, and get going.

Continual or continuous?

There is continual building work going on next door, with periods of continuous drilling. Genuinely. It makes it difficult to sleep when I'm doing night shifts.

As for usage, continuous describes a period of time without any interruption. Continual, however, describes a prolonged time period with breaks.

For example:

The mobile phone rang continuously.  (No break)
The mobile phone rang continually throughout the day.  (It rang often, but with breaks between - i.e. there were periods when it wasn't ringing)


He worked continuously on the project for the entire day.  (He took no breaks)
He worked continually on the project over several months.  (Presumably he paused occasionally to eat, drink, and sleep)


An easy way to remember:  continuAL has an intervAL.

How to have a successful life

I’ve seen talented, brilliant women cry on their 30^th birthday because they aren’t yet married.  I’ve seen polyglots and world travellers feel unsuccessful because they’re not on the housing ladder. I know people with creative, unusual portfolio careers who think they are failures because they never got to the top. I’ve watched ambitious high-flyers chided by their parents because of their failure to produce any grand-children.  And I’ve felt the tug of this heartache myself – what’s wrong with me that I don’t have my beautiful home, my perfect family, and my successful career?

Society tells us what is required to be considered a success. When we speak of people who are successful, who have achieved a lot in life, then we use conventional measures: a well-paid job in a respectable field, a comfortable home, a happy marriage, and children.  You tick these boxes? Then congratulations: your life is successful, and you are the envy of others who will say that you “have it all”.

This leaves the rest of us – those who don’t "have it all" – feeling less than fully successful. Our lives may be fantastic, but if we persist in using the standard measures of society to judge ourselves then we will find only dis-satisfaction.  We have been brainwashed.  Career, home, marriage and children are the metrics of the past, and it's insane to keep judging ourselves against somebody else's outdated standards. We must find our own metrics of success. 

I consider myself successful if I write every day, read every day, help somebody every day, and do work that benefits people.  These are my metrics of achievement.  I chose them consciously, and I will change them when necessary.

If you don't have a clear idea of your own metrics for achievement then you will default to using the ones society foists on you.  Think now about what would make your life successful and what you want to achieve.  Now decide on your own measures.  And now: go out and be successful on your own terms.

Due to vs owing to

In modern English usage, 'due to' and 'owing to' are often considered interchangeable. For the sake of technical correctness, they do have different uses.

'Due to' is not a true preposition; in fact it is adjectival, meaning that it modifies the preceding noun in the sentence.  'Owing to' is used as an adverb, so that it modifies the verb (or action) of the clause.

e.g.

The concert was cancelled .....  the crowd being too unruly.
The cancellation of the concert was ..... the crowd being too unruly.

In the first sentence it is the cancelling (i.e. a verb) that is being modified so an adverb should be used, and it is correct to use 'owing to'.  In the second example it is the cancellation (a noun) which is being modified, so 'due to' - in this case an adjective - is the correct term.

So:

The concert was cancelled owing to the crowd being too unruly
The cancellation of the concert was due to the crowd being too unruly


Tip 1


If you can use 'caused by' then you can use 'due to', but if you would say 'because of' then it is more correct to use 'owing to'.

He claimed the car was speeding owing to a stuck accelerator pedal.  Here we could substitute with 'because of' but not with 'caused by', so the sentence is correct. Replacing 'owing to' with 'caused by' would make no sense, so we cannot use the phrase 'due to'

He claimed the car's excessive speed was due to a stuck accelerator pedal.  'Due to' could be replaced by 'caused by' in this sentence, so it is correct.

Owing to = because of
Due to = caused by



Tip 2

If you're using 'due to' and you aren't sure whether it is correct, then play with the sentence. Take out a noun, and then take out a verb - if it still makes sense then 'due to' is correct. e.g.

The concert was cancelled due to the crowd being too unruly - here the verb has been removed, and this makes no sense. 'Due to' is clearly not the right phrase to use.

The cancellation of the concert was due to the crowd being too unruly - here the sense is maintained, so 'due to' is the correct phrase.


Tip 3

It is usually better to use 'because of' or 'caused by'.  They tend to be clearer, and there's no risk of upsetting a pedant.

We walk through life in a daze

Yeah, I've been meaning to get round to that....
I'm planning to start learning French sometime soon...
I've been wanting to visit Iceland for ages....
I'd love to start learning to paint, but right now I can't because....
Next year I'm really going to focus on getting in shape....


How often do you hear these? I catch myself saying things like this a lot. And it's time to stop.

We are special mammals: aware of our own mortality, and aware of social pressure. This can be a curse or a blessing. It depends how well we can embrace and understand the following paradoxes.

1. A year is not a long time, but a year ahead feels far away.

Every birthday and every new year you can hear it: "Wow, that year went by so fast", or "I don't even know where that year went!".  It's true, a year goes by so quickly - because it's short. Our foolish surprise is because we expect those 365 days to last longer.  Looking back it seems like a tiny sliver of time, rapidly vanished. But looking forward the next year feels a light year away.  Try making plans with somebody for a particular day 12 months in the future.

While we over-estimate how long a year is, we under-estimate how much we can achieve in it. There will never be an exercise programme called "One Year Abs", for how could that ever compete with its seven-minute rival?  But in a year you can change your body completely, become excellent at speaking a language, start a business, or write a book.  All you have to do is start now and be consistent. It really is that easy.


2. Life is short, but it feels long.

We feel that we have plenty of time. "That project can wait until we graduate / have a sabbatical / get married / have kids / move house / retire".   No, it can't.  Your life isn't an endless deferment.  Life is short. One day it's gone.  Unless you see through the illusion of having 'plenty of time' then you're destined to wake up one day, old-aged, wondering what happened to your life.


3. We want the end result, not the process.

I'd like to be fantastic at drawing, but I don't want to go through the painful struggle of learning.  Many people feel the same with languages: they'd love to speak fluent Mandarin, but don't fancy putting in the hours of work that would require. To achieve something you have two options: either to be so fixed on your goal that hating the work towards it is worthwhile, or to enjoy the process that gets you to the result. The latter seems preferable to me, but the former works. If you have neither - no obsession with the outcome, and no enjoyment of the process - then you will not get to your goal. So drop it.



We walk through life in a daze. Time appears to go quickly. Life is short, even if death feels a long way off.  Start something now.  If you want to write then start now.  If you want to draw then pick up some paper and a pen.  You want to get fit? Go and do some push-ups right now. Someone you've been meaning to see - call them right now and arrange a time. And commit to doing something every day.




"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

- Henry David Thoreau

“Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it. Begin it now.”

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Do enough people dislike you?

One of the differences between great literature and mediocre literature is the intention behind them. If the author looks at what's selling, thinks about their target audience, and writes what they hope people will enjoy, then mediocre fiction is the best they'll produce.  But if he or she write from the heart with no regard for an audience, for sales figures, for the zeitgeist, or for what publishing houses are pushing, then fantastic: they're in with a shot at writing something great.

There's a downside if you adopt the second approach though, and it's that you are going to polarise opinion. Many more people are going to hate what you write. And worse: people will conflate you, the person, with your written work. And they'll hate you too. Can you live with that?

Now go back to the first sentence and replace the word 'literature' with the word 'people'.  It's still true.  If you are afraid of people disliking you for your opinion then you will never achieve your full potential.  Worse, you'll be trapped in a world full of fear of your own making.

If people aren't disliking you or being irritated by you then either you are keeping too low a profile, or you're not expressing your true opinions. People-pleasers are rarely hated; they also rarely achieve much. There is a 'correct dose' of being disliked.  How much would Gandhi have accomplished if he was worried about upsetting people? How about Mandela, Martin Luther King, Churchill, Elvis, Oprah, or Steve Jobs?

(Warning: the next few concepts are easy to state and difficult to implement). Always express your personality freely, and let people make up their own minds about you.  People may not like you, but they will admire you for being honest about what you think and feel.  Never fear being disliked.  Not being affected by what people think about you should be a guiding principle of your life.

If you're not rubbing at least a few people up the wrong way, then take a look at whether you're expressing yourself openly, or being held back by what you fear people will think. Your life; your choice. But if you want advice (and I hate unsolicited advice as much as you do) then try this:  Be open. Be honest. Be unafraid.

What happens when you assume?

Yep, you make an ASS out of U and ME.  The same thing does not happen when you presume.

Assuming and presuming both mean the same thing: taking something for granted as being true.  Where they differ is the degree of certainty.  An assumption is made on little or no evidence, but when we presume, we are usually making an informed guess.

"Dr Livingstone, I presume?" was a fairly solid conjecture. Henry Stanley was unlikely to bump into many other white explorers around Lake Tanganyika in the late 19th century.

"But I assumed that you'd be bringing some money" sounds like it's based on nothing more than optimistic hopefulness.

"He assumed that Joe / Daphne / Geronimo had done the report / contacted the bank / printed the files / et cetera et cetera" is where the flimsiness - and hopelessness as an excuse - of assumptions is evident.

But it's safe to presume that they're friends, based on the amount of time they spent talking and laughing with each other.

Hold off on the assumptions.  Get more data and you can make presumptions.  Even more data and you could be the holder of an informed opinion.







PS  This article doesn't address the use of presume in the sense of being brave enough to do something, or make unjustified demands - e.g. How dare you presume to question me on my own blog?  Just in case you hadn't noticed.

Sunk cost bias (or how our investments mess us up)

In investing, people commonly make the same mistake:  when a share is doing well they sell some or all of their investment, but when a stock is going down they hold it tight. After all, it feels safer to take some profits from a rising share, and it's painful to take a loss on a stock that has dropped. The best thing to do is usually the opposite: run your winners, and sell your losers. (Automated stop-losses can help us overcome our human cognitive fallibility).

This error is a result of what is called the sunk cost fallacy, or sunk cost bias.  This means that the more that we have invested money, energy, time or emotion into something, then the more reluctant we are to give up on it. It's easy to see in finance: people have invested so much that even though they know things are going badly, they are reluctant to sell. Many people even invest more money as their investment falls, convinced that it will pick up again. A stock market adage is "never try to catch a falling knife".  This tenacity is a testament to our conviction that we've made a good choice, but also to the pain of losing money.

Sunk cost bias is also evident in relationships.  Couples who have been together a long time - even when things are consistently bad - have a difficult time making the decision to separate. I know two couples who got married after being together for many years;  all parties had misgivings in the lead-up to the wedding, but they went ahead anyway. Both were separated within a year.  The sunk cost here - years spent together, time and money invested in planning the wedding - is huge.

Somebody that we've hired may turn out to be a poor employee, even after we have put in lots of time guiding and mentoring them.  It's hard to admit to ourselves that our choice isn't working out, and hard to cut the relationship off.

People invest huge amounts of emotion in arguments about emotive topics. This makes it hard for us to back down from our original position, even if we start to realise that we are wrong. It can be embarrassing to admit a mistake, especially after passionately arguing a point.

There's no complete escape from sunk cost bias; it's a part of being human.  In investments and with employees we can look at the situation and ask: "would I buy this stock or hire this person right now with all the information I currently have?".   In relationships we can slow down, spend time apart, and put a hold on any big plans.  And in arguments we can pause; in the heat of the moment it's hard to admit we were wrong, but a lot easier to say, "ok that's interesting, I haven't thought about it that way before.  Let me have a think and we can discuss it further tomorrow".  This pause is vital, allowing us to review our position while saving face.

When things aren't working out, take stock of what you have already invested.  Then consider how you would act if you were starting fresh.

Questions to avoid

We pay more attention to our statements than to our questions. It’s not uncommon for people to regret voicing an opinion, but much rarer to hear “damn, I wish I hadn’t asked that question”.  Our culture encourages questioning – intelligent questions are meant to show our incisive and inquisitive mind. Some people even proclaim that there is no such thing as a stupid question.

Nonetheless there are circumstance where asking a question – if not exactly stupid – is certainly unwise.

1. If you’re not interested in the answer. Convention encourages us to follow protocol when meeting people, especially at a social event. We ask about their job, their kids, their home, and their hobbies.  And often we couldn’t care less about the answer.  This is not a path to a good interaction.  Ask questions about which you’re genuinely interested – where is their favourite place in the world for a holiday? What’s the most interesting book they’ve read this year? What have they done recently that has scared or excited them?   Step away from the mundane and make the conversation personal.

2. If you only want to hear one answer. These questions are usually heavily invested with emotion and expectation, and there is only one answer that somebody can give.  E.g.

Do you love me?

Would you ever cheat on me?

Will you miss me?

Do you find me attractive?

Do you think I’m intelligent?

Do you think you’ll get a genuine and truthful answer to these? It’s possible, albeit unlikely. And by asking you show insecurity and neediness.  If it’s praise you want then that’s your call, but be aware that compliments and reassurances given under pressure are often false.

3. If you don’t want to hear the answer. These crop up in relationships. Sometimes we feel a need to pry into darker parts of our partner’s past, and sometimes they are sufficiently honest to answer us. How many people have you slept with? Have you ever had a one night stand?  Have you ever cheated on me?  Hearing the answers to these questions will not make you happier, and too much honesty is corrosive to a relationship.

4. For reassurance. Perhaps you’re not sure how you performed in a situation at work, and you decide to ask your boss. From weakest and most needy to a better way of asking:

(Puppy dog eyes, submissive body language) “Did I do ok today boss?”

“How did I do today?”

“How could I have done better today?”

“I don’t think I performed as well as I could have done today. How can I do better in future?”

The last question is the most honest and will get you the truest feedback to improve. And it’s wise to ask even when things go smoothly: “I feel that the conference this morning went well. Any tips for making things even better next time?”

Craft questions well, avoid asking those which are weak or pointless, and see how it affects your communication.

It's the thought that counts

“Oh well, it’s the thought that counts”, you say dismissively, as you quickly pick a bottle of wine to give as a present. Or grab some chocolates, or flowers, or another generic gift.

This phrase is used as an excuse for giving bad presents. It assumes that the only thing that matters is that you bothered to remember the occasion.

The saying is only true when it refers to quality and quantity of thought. If you spent two minutes picking up the easiest thing you could find for a present then you haven’t put in much thought, and it doesn’t count for much. How much more pleasurable it is to give or receive a gift that cost less money but had time and care spent in its choosing.

Throwing money around won’t help you find a touching and appropriate gift. Only your thought will enable you to do that. So yes, it IS the thought that counts.