Don't define yourself by your flaws

At dinner the other night I told somebody one of my deepest secret flaws. They nodded and gave a shrug of acknowledgment. The conversation moved on.

Wait!  Didn’t they realise this was something I’d kept hidden for years? That I’d barely even acknowledged it to myself?  How nobody else suffered like I did?  That this was one of the defining features of my life?

Of course not. Because my secret flaw has massive significance to only one person in the world: me.  And your secret flaw is vitally important as well, but only to you.

Everything looks larger seen from up close. Personal problems loom so huge that they can become a defining feature of our lives. The muted reaction of others astonishes us, but is also reassuring:  with distance comes perspective. That which in our heads is so vast, so troubling, and so dark, is to others nothing but a molehill on the landscape of our personality.

The more personal the wound, the more universal it is.

Don’t define yourself by your perceived imperfections. Other people don’t see them the way you do. And – more important – other people don’t see your flaws in the way you think they do.  Your issues are only as big as you think they are.

Wisdom and how not to acquire it

When I was younger I believed that wisdom came naturally with old age; that it was a kind of garnish – like the pepper sauce that comes with steak, or the ketchup that arrives with French fries. It was something that led to a deeper understanding, and thus happiness (or at least contentment.)

Nowadays I’m slightly wiser myself. And I’ve met scores of older adults who are dissatisfied, anxious, and lack what I consider to be wisdom.

It’s easier to focus on trivial concerns and dodge the bigger questions. But come to terms with the big questions and the trivia will take care of itself.  (See proverb 73 for more allegory)

Be honest - how much of your life do you spend avoiding unpleasantness? If you can even quantify the amount of time you put into trying to fend off old age, sickness, death, break-ups, or other heartache, then you’re spending too long on it.

Life is short. We will die, along with everybody we know. Love does not last forever and always ends in pain. Old age and illness come soon – sooner than we expect.

Once you can read these truths with equanimity then something amazing has happened:  you have become free.  Every moment that you used to spend concerned with the future is now a moment with which you can enjoy the present. You have become wise.

This wisdom takes work. Simply living doesn’t do the job. Hiding from inevitability is a waste of time. Look again at the statements above. If you think they’re untrue then ignore them;  but if you think they’re true then reflect on them, turn them around in your mind, give them some space to mature, and see what happens.

This is not a call to become depressed by existential angst. It’s a call to embrace the inevitable so that we can relish each moment of this short – too short – life.

Proverb 73

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your  spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."