Racism vs Tradition: Zwarte Piet

In Holland on Dec 5th the figure of Sinterklaas appears.  This man has helpers who give out gifts to children. The helpers are called 'Zwarte Piet' - Black Pete in English - and are usually white people with blacked up faces, highlighted red lips, and big earrings.  Whether or not this tradition is racist has been the subject of ongoing debate;  for a summary there have been recent articles in The New Yorker, The Economist, and most major newspapers.

I suggest that this is a tradition that is rooted in racism and continues to promote it. Here are the common arguments against my position:

- "It's an old tradition that has been going on for centuries". This is not relevant to whether the tradition is racist. Historical precedent is meaningless here. Slavery was a tradition with a long history. Likewise pogroms against Jews, denying the vote to women, ritual stoning to death of adulterers, etc.

- "As an outsider you're in no position to comment".  In fact outsiders are often the best observers. My own flaws - so hidden from me - are most often pointed out to me by others. As with individuals, so with societies.  Frequently the scrutiny of the outside world brings unpleasant practices to light. An analogous argument could be used equally poorly with outside condemnation of FGM, for example.

- "You don't hear Dutch people complaining".  For a start, some do (and have received abuse and death threats for their efforts). Second, people may be afraid to raise the issue as it's such a widely accepted tradition. And of course the majority, the most vocal, and most powerful are all white, and thus unlikely to feel belittled and marginalised by the tradition.

- "Dutch black people don't mind".  Really?  Some have raised objections to the spectacle. And just because they don't rally against it doesn't mean that they are happy about it.


Two thought experiments can help with traditions that might be racist:

First, would it be possible to institute this tradition today?  Or has culture moved on to a point where initiating it would be impossible?

Second, what if the races were changed?  How about if Black Pete was in fact Jewish Pete, with a cartoonish big nose, skullcap and star of David? Or if Black Pete was Brown Pete - a caricature of an Indian?


Cultural change is painful. It's a jumpy process, not one of smooth transition.  But cultural identity can be retained without the need to cling on to outdated racist traditions. It's time for Zwarte Piet to go.

Don't define yourself by your flaws

At dinner the other night I told somebody one of my deepest secret flaws. They nodded and gave a shrug of acknowledgment. The conversation moved on.

Wait!  Didn’t they realise this was something I’d kept hidden for years? That I’d barely even acknowledged it to myself?  How nobody else suffered like I did?  That this was one of the defining features of my life?

Of course not. Because my secret flaw has massive significance to only one person in the world: me.  And your secret flaw is vitally important as well, but only to you.

Everything looks larger seen from up close. Personal problems loom so huge that they can become a defining feature of our lives. The muted reaction of others astonishes us, but is also reassuring:  with distance comes perspective. That which in our heads is so vast, so troubling, and so dark, is to others nothing but a molehill on the landscape of our personality.

The more personal the wound, the more universal it is.

Don’t define yourself by your perceived imperfections. Other people don’t see them the way you do. And – more important – other people don’t see your flaws in the way you think they do.  Your issues are only as big as you think they are.

Wisdom and how not to acquire it

When I was younger I believed that wisdom came naturally with old age; that it was a kind of garnish – like the pepper sauce that comes with steak, or the ketchup that arrives with French fries. It was something that led to a deeper understanding, and thus happiness (or at least contentment.)

Nowadays I’m slightly wiser myself. And I’ve met scores of older adults who are dissatisfied, anxious, and lack what I consider to be wisdom.

It’s easier to focus on trivial concerns and dodge the bigger questions. But come to terms with the big questions and the trivia will take care of itself.  (See proverb 73 for more allegory)

Be honest - how much of your life do you spend avoiding unpleasantness? If you can even quantify the amount of time you put into trying to fend off old age, sickness, death, break-ups, or other heartache, then you’re spending too long on it.

Life is short. We will die, along with everybody we know. Love does not last forever and always ends in pain. Old age and illness come soon – sooner than we expect.

Once you can read these truths with equanimity then something amazing has happened:  you have become free.  Every moment that you used to spend concerned with the future is now a moment with which you can enjoy the present. You have become wise.

This wisdom takes work. Simply living doesn’t do the job. Hiding from inevitability is a waste of time. Look again at the statements above. If you think they’re untrue then ignore them;  but if you think they’re true then reflect on them, turn them around in your mind, give them some space to mature, and see what happens.

This is not a call to become depressed by existential angst. It’s a call to embrace the inevitable so that we can relish each moment of this short – too short – life.

Proverb 73

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your  spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Are you already old?

Why do some people seem prematurely old, while others seem youthful even as octogenarians?

Youth is a period of open-ness. New things are waiting to be tried, new experiences to be had, places to be explored, and skills to be learned. The world seems to hold limitless possibilities.  Old age is the opposite: one's world is closing down.  There seem to be few new skills that can be learned, experiences that can be had, or possibilities for the future.

This is entirely in the mind.

I've heard people young and old say, "Oh I could never do that", and "No I wouldn't dare to try that", and "I don't think I could ever learn how to..."

These blocks are not physical. They are mental - or even spiritual - and reflect your worldview.

While you are still willing to engage with the world and explore its novelty then you are young. As soon as your sum of perceived limitations exceeds your sum of perceived future possibilities then you are old.  This can happen at age 30, at age 70, or it can never happen at all.

If you find yourself saying "I could never do/go/learn xxx" then check in with yourself:  is what you believe actually true?

Stay open. Keep exploring your world.

Whether you think you can, or you think you can't - you're right.

    - Henry Ford

One of the greatest discoveries a person makes, one of their great surprises, is to find they can do what they were afraid they couldn't do.    - Henry Ford

Track things carefully

What we measure, we can change.

People who exercise are advised to keep a log of their workouts. The best results come from documenting change, reviewing variables, and altering things as necessary.  Any professional athlete will have a detailed journal of their training.

Tracking measurements gives us feedback:  is our current strategy working?   It also motivates: visual data showing good results inspires us to continue.

So to lose fat I am going to measure my weight every morning and plot it on a graph.  The reaction to this has been largely negative.  People tell me that I'll become obsessed with my weighing scales;  that this strategy won't work;  that daily weight is too variable;  that even weight-watchers counsel only a weekly weigh-in.

A surprising number of the naysayers are themselves struggling to lose weight.  They are tied into a belief system that stops them from even trying to track daily weight.  And this despite that what they are currently doing is not working.

Careful measurement helps us reach many goals.  Achieving an ideal body weight is no different.

How to achieve what you want

This is simple. Do the important things early in the day.  Not the urgent, only the important.

Whether it’s your yoga practice, meditation, reading, writing, blogging, or exercise, do it first thing.

Do not give in to the temptation to check your emails, grab an extra 15 minutes in bed, or engage in any of a hundred other time-wasting distractions that you can find.

All the pressing urgency of the world can wait while you finish what’s important to you.  Once you’re done then let yourself engage with the normal world. And you will already have taken your biggest step of the day.

Take the blame? Or take the credit?

"The project had unavoidable difficulties. The supplier let us down.  I did try to make some suggestions, but the marketing was inadequate.  Sales teams didn't really pull their weight. And, boss, without wishing to be a snitch, one or two of the other team members didn't quite agree with your decisions."

Sure. None of the responsibility is yours. Any failure or problems can be laid at the feet of somebody else.  Or even blamed on an act of God.

But let me guess, when something goes really well, it's all on you.   Your readiness to blame others is a transparent weakness.  Confidence has no problem admitting when it's wrong.  Confidence has no problems discussing what it could have done better.  And confidence has no need to go grasping for credit.

There's a converse:  some people take the blame for everything but are too shy to take any credit.  Praise is deflected:  "Oh, thanks, but really I didn't do much - it was the other guys who made it happen".  Criticism leads to self-flagellation and introspection.

Balance is missing in both of these.  If you're going to take the credit then you have to be prepared to shoulder the blame.  And if you're busy blaming yourself for everything then stand up and be counted when things go well.

Find balance. The more you can accept your part in things going wrong, the more right you have to stake your claim when things go well.

Be a beacon of praise

I said something the other day that stopped someone in their tracks, and made them smile with pride.  It was only two words, but said with sincerity. And perhaps they hadn't heard it for a while.

All I said was Well Done

We live in a praise-deficient culture. Negative comments are easy to come by, usually dressed up as "constructive criticism", "suggestions for improvement", or "feedback".

We are programmed to respond in kind.  When somebody pays us a compliment it feels natural to compliment them back. Our work culture influences us enormously.  If we're used to receiving criticism then we'll become proficient at giving it.  If we're used to receiving praise, then praise is what we'll give in return.  To switch this around - to be in a negative environment but still put out compliments and positive energy - is difficult.  But it's worth it.

Our subconscious wants us to wait before we start giving praise.  To wait until somebody compliments us, or until an order comes from our boss to foster a more positive workplace, or until we're in a warm and expansive mood.  This waiting is pointless.  We need to take a step ourselves.  Why do you care if somebody praises you first?  Why be stingy with compliments?

Be a beacon of praise.  Be open and free with compliments. Go right now, look somebody in the eye, and tell them:  "You did a great job.  I appreciate it. Well done."

Take more risks

How do we make a car safer to drive?  By installing crumple zones, air bags, seat belts, traction control and ABS.

But how do we make a safer driver for the car?   By removing all the above, and instead placing on the steering wheel a pointed metal rod, whose razor-sharp tip is but an inch from the driver's chest.

Which car is going to have a driver who is more aware and focused?



An analogy (stretched a bit):  your life is the car, but you are the driver.  You can engage in studious risk-minimisation for life.  Be careful what you eat, travel only in areas that are very safe and well-trodden, stick with the job you took ten years ago, hang out with the same group of friends, shop in the usual places, better the devil you know than the devil you don't.  Like the driver of the fully-equipped car, you'll be meandering through life in a socially acceptable daze.  Safe, yes.  Boring, yes.

Living a risk-free life is tedious.  Risk minimisation is sensible at some level, but above a minimum it dulls our senses and stifles our opportunities for experience and growth.

Take more risks.  Go and meet the devil you don't know.  Try new things. Forget about making your world safe for you to live in - focus on making yourself a better 'liver' of the life you have.  Live carefully but not over-safely.  And above all, like the driver of the car with the spike pointed at his chest, live with full alertness and focus.

Some Rumi

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.

------------



When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you're not here, I can't fall asleep.

Praise God for these two insomnias!
And the difference between them.

-----------


I am filled with you.
Skin, blood, bone, brain, and soul.
There's no room for lack of trust, or trust.
Nothing in this existence but that existence.


------------

Gamble everything for love,
if you're a true human being.

If not, leave
this gathering.

Half-heartedness doesn't reach
into majesty.  You set out
to find God, but then you keep
stopping for long periods
at mean-spirited roadhouses.

------------


If you want what visible reality
can give, you're an employee.

If you want the unseen world,
you're not living your triuth.

Both wishes are foolish,
but you'll be forgiven for forgetting
that what you really want is
love's confusing joy.

Rumi (trans. by Coleman Barks)

Don't be too honest

We aren't designed to be honest, and we certainly aren't set up to hear honest opinions.  Those who endorse absolute honesty are not suited to living in a social environment.

Absolute honesty is brutal.  It means telling your partner that yes, her bum does look big.  That no, you don't like the special meal she spent hours cooking for you. And that you really couldn't care less what Bob said to her at work the other day.

It means that when somebody asks you how you are, you actually tell them. No holding back: you just broke a nail, your piles are playing up, and you're worried about dying.

What do you think of my new painting? I think it's ugly; it reminds me of the time my dog had diarrhoea and walked it across the carpet. But at least you've used more colour.

People confuse honesty with brute honesty.  Brute honesty involves dumping out your opinions regardless of the effect it will have on somebody else.  It is cruelty disguised as a moral choice, and it strips human interaction of the social lubricant that we need when there are 7 billion of us living in close proximity.

True honesty is a virtue that is tempered by kindness, consideration, and love. There is nothing wrong with a white lie.  The only problem is mission creep - you start to confuse the boundaries between a white lie and something more.  The question to ask of a white lie is this:  who am I trying to help?  If it's the other, then fine.  If you're lying mainly to make life better for yourself then perhaps you're into a shade of grey. White lies make life easier for both parties, but the person benefitting most should be the hearer.

Be honest, sure. But more important, be kind.

How can I like myself more?

How can I like myself more?

You can't.  All the affirmations, visualisations and positive thinking in the world won't help. Sorry. Next, please.

Oh, wait - there is one thing you can try. Simply stop doing the things that make you like yourself less. We all have habits of which we aren't proud. I used to always like to have the last word until I realised that each time I 'won' an argument I actually liked myself a little less. When I plan to read before bed but pointlessly browse the internet until it's too late to read, then I like myself a little less.

What are the things you do that make you dislike yourself? Common things include shopping for gadgets and clothes you don't need, constantly sniping at a loved one, watching TV even though you realise you could be spending time more productively, having to win an argument, being unfaithful to a partner, being persistently late, yielding to the temptation of a drink or a cigarette when you've given up, watching porn, and not going to the gym when you planned to.

Forget the vague goal of "liking yourself". Cut out the specific behaviours that make you like yourself less.  If nothing else you will change your life for the better.

De-clutter your emotional life

Once upon a time I thought that a friend would be a friend for life. I thought that no love affair could end so bitterly that no vestige of affection would remain.  I thought that a blood relative would forever have some place in my heart. I thought that 'clutter' meant only the physical.  And I thought that getting older meant getting more: more friends, more relationships, more relatives, and more things.

Only now am I beginning to see that life is better with some of the fat trimmed off it. It hurts me when a friendship has run its course, but it hurts me more to try and maintain some pallid version of it.  I feel sad when a relationship has no future, but sadder still when I strain to keep it alive with a pretence of passion.

There are those who can cut a person out of their lives with barely a thought.  I'm not one of them. In fact I've rarely decided to sever contact with someone.  Nonetheless some people are bad medicine for me: they bring to my life more negative than positive, more pain than pleasure, more conflict than kindness.  The best thing I can do - with compassion for both of us - is to cut these few out of my life.

Sometimes it will also be the best thing for you to do.  Just remember to sever ties with compassion instead of anger.  Your aim is the opposite of hate.  And the opposite of hate isn't love; the opposite of hate is indifference.

Do what the scriptures tell you to do

The commander of the occupation troops said to the mayor of the mountain village, "We know you are hiding a traitor. Unless you give him up to us we will torture you and your people by every means in out power."

The village was, indeed, hiding a man who seemed good and innocent, and was loved by all. But what could the mayor do now that the welfare of the village was at stake? Days of discussions in the village council led to no conclusion. So the mayor finally took the matter up with the priest.  Preist and mayor spent a whole night searching the scriptures and finally came up with a text that said: "It is better that one man die to save the nation."

So the mayor handed over the innocent man, whose screams echoed through the village as he was tortured and put to death.

Many years later a prophet came to that village, went right up to the mayor, and said, "How could you have done what you did?  That man was innocent. And you handed him over to be tortured and killed."

"But where did I go wrong?", pleaded the mayor.  "The priest and I looked all night at the scriptures, and did what they commanded."

"That's where you went wrong," said the prophet. "You looked at the scriptures. But you should also have looked into the man's eyes."

Be happy now. What are you waiting for?

From school we are taught two crippling untruths: that success is about achieving milestones, and that happiness is linked to success.

Finish school, then you'll have really achieved something.
Get a degree, then you'll have really achieved something.
Find a good job, then you'll have really achieved something.
Get a promotion, then....
Get married, then.....
Have children, then....
When your children have finished school, then....
Once you've retired, then....


We are taught that these milestones are markers on a path.  We're not told where the path leads, and most of us assume the destination is called 'success'. We delay the simple act of being happy until the next milestone is reached. "Once I've got my own house, then I will be truly happy". But will you?

We are taught that reaching these milestones should make us happy.  But we have to figure out for ourselves that it's ok to be happy anyway.  Happiness and success and achieving milestones should have no relationship to each other.  Just be happy. What possible reason is there for waiting?

We are taught that life is hard work and a struggle.  But not that it's possible to walk through the world with ease. So ask: is the world a heavy or a light place for me?

The result is this:  we wait for external circumstances to make us happy; but in reality happiness comes from day-to-day life, not the transient highs of achievement.

This happiness, this passion for day-to-day life is brought to the table by you, and you alone. No circumstances or other people can bring it for you.

You have the opportunity to be happy and passionate about life right now. Go for it.

We are just tourists

In the last century a tourist from the States visited the famous Polish rabbi the Chafetz Chaim.

He was astonished to see that the rabbi's home was just a simple room filled with books.  The only furniture was a table and a bench.

"Rabbi, where is your furniture?', asked the tourist

"Where is yours?", replied Chafetz

"Mine?  But I'm only a visitor here."

"So am I", said the rabbi.

A simple weight loss strategy

Losing weight and getting in shape is simple, but not easy.


Diet.  Eat what you currently eat. Twice per week fast for 24 hours.  You can have as much water as you like and tea and coffee, but no solid food.  Go from breakfast to breakfast,  lunch to lunch, or dinner to dinner without eating.


Exercise.  Walk every other day for 16 minutes.  Start at your front door and walk for 8 minutes, then turn around and make sure you get back to your front door before the total time is up.  Aim to go a bit further each time you walk, but still make it back to your front door in 16 minutes.  Keep track of distance by using markers such as house numbers.

Follow this plan and you will lose 1 kg per week, or your money back.

What does this story mean?

A disciple once complained: "You tell us stories, but you never reveal their meaning to us"

Said the master: "How would you like it if someone offered you fruit and chewed it before giving it to you?"

Tell me what you feel, don't bore me with facts

Which voice is telling the story?


     The hotel is beautiful, and there's an amazing beach there.  It's really close to town as well - it only took us 10 minutes to walk to the local bar! There's so much to do: they have a water park and a huge pool, and there's a casino next door.


     You'll love the hotel - it's beautiful, and you can get straight onto this amazing beach.  You can walk to the local bar in 10 minutes - it's so close!  You've got loads of activities as well: you can go to the water park and pool, or you can always gamble away your money at the casino.


     I thought the hotel was beautiful, and I loved walking onto the beach.  We made it to the local bar in 10 minutes, and I even walked as far as town one day.  I was really excited when I saw all the slides at the water park, and I'm just glad I managed to resist the lure of the casino!




The first paragraph - written in the third person - is dry, and is opinion masquerading as fact.  There is no space for emotion or action, and it doesn't let you tell a story.

The second paragraph is in the second person - the "you" perspective.  Many people speak like this: they tell me how I'm going to feel about things.  "Oh you'll love it when you get into it".  "You'd hate it; you'd find it really boring".  Really?  Please don't tell me what I'll think and feel. There's no need to try and second-guess me: I'd prefer to hear what you thought and make up my own mind.

The third paragraph is from the first person, or "I", perspective.  This voice lends itself well to story-telling. People want to hear what you though, saw, and felt. Emotions make stories.

More feelings, fewer facts.  And a better story.

Nobody but you cares about your flaws

Nobody knows it, but you've got a secret problem

His hair was really thinning out on top. Poor guy. In the ceiling mirror I could see him walking towards me up the stairs. I felt a little sympathy – losing your hair at a young-ish age can’t be easy. As I was about to pass him I noticed the mirror arrangement: I’d been looking at the top of my own head.

This was years ago. For months afterwards I was self-conscious. My personality changed. I was less assertive, less confident and less happy. A psychologist friend offered a dozen different explanations for this: from fear of aging and death, to the biblical myth of Samson and loss of masculine power. None of that helps.

I meet dozens people every year who have similar issues:

A beautiful woman self-conscious about the size of her feet.

A man ashamed of his hand, having lost a finger in an accident when he was young.

A woman who blushes readily and hates to go out to social events.

Men and women who feel embarrassed about being too tall.

Or short.

Or fat.

Or thin.

Maybe a psychologist could work with them.  Perhaps some therapy or medicine could make them happier.

But only the truth about your flaws will set you free: nobody else gives a shit.

These people – and I was one of them – are so humiliated by their perceived flaws that they can’t enjoy the world. Fixation on the so-called problem becomes a vicious cycle: their experience is twisted through a lens of their own making. And it’s one that they choose to look through.

You think you’re too skinny?  Nobody else gives a shit.

You think your nose is too big?  Nobody else gives a shit.

Your voice doesn’t sound how you like?  Nobody else gives a shit.

You can see where I’m going here. We’re all in this together, so there’s no point holding on to your negative self-image.  If a belief empowers you, then take it. If it dis-empowers you then drop it.  I’m not suggesting you cling to delusions or stop trying to improve, but if your belief in a physical flaw prevents you fully experiencing the world then you have 3 options: fix it, feature it, or just say ‘fuck it’.  I picked the latter.

The truth, again, about your so-called flaws:  nobody else gives a shit.