Wisdom and how not to acquire it

When I was younger I believed that wisdom came naturally with old age; that it was a kind of garnish – like the pepper sauce that comes with steak, or the ketchup that arrives with French fries. It was something that led to a deeper understanding, and thus happiness (or at least contentment.)

Nowadays I’m slightly wiser myself. And I’ve met scores of older adults who are dissatisfied, anxious, and lack what I consider to be wisdom.

It’s easier to focus on trivial concerns and dodge the bigger questions. But come to terms with the big questions and the trivia will take care of itself.  (See proverb 73 for more allegory)

Be honest - how much of your life do you spend avoiding unpleasantness? If you can even quantify the amount of time you put into trying to fend off old age, sickness, death, break-ups, or other heartache, then you’re spending too long on it.

Life is short. We will die, along with everybody we know. Love does not last forever and always ends in pain. Old age and illness come soon – sooner than we expect.

Once you can read these truths with equanimity then something amazing has happened:  you have become free.  Every moment that you used to spend concerned with the future is now a moment with which you can enjoy the present. You have become wise.

This wisdom takes work. Simply living doesn’t do the job. Hiding from inevitability is a waste of time. Look again at the statements above. If you think they’re untrue then ignore them;  but if you think they’re true then reflect on them, turn them around in your mind, give them some space to mature, and see what happens.

This is not a call to become depressed by existential angst. It’s a call to embrace the inevitable so that we can relish each moment of this short – too short – life.

Proverb 73

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your  spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Are you already old?

Why do some people seem prematurely old, while others seem youthful even as octogenarians?

Youth is a period of open-ness. New things are waiting to be tried, new experiences to be had, places to be explored, and skills to be learned. The world seems to hold limitless possibilities.  Old age is the opposite: one's world is closing down.  There seem to be few new skills that can be learned, experiences that can be had, or possibilities for the future.

This is entirely in the mind.

I've heard people young and old say, "Oh I could never do that", and "No I wouldn't dare to try that", and "I don't think I could ever learn how to..."

These blocks are not physical. They are mental - or even spiritual - and reflect your worldview.

While you are still willing to engage with the world and explore its novelty then you are young. As soon as your sum of perceived limitations exceeds your sum of perceived future possibilities then you are old.  This can happen at age 30, at age 70, or it can never happen at all.

If you find yourself saying "I could never do/go/learn xxx" then check in with yourself:  is what you believe actually true?

Stay open. Keep exploring your world.

Whether you think you can, or you think you can't - you're right.

    - Henry Ford

One of the greatest discoveries a person makes, one of their great surprises, is to find they can do what they were afraid they couldn't do.    - Henry Ford

Track things carefully

What we measure, we can change.

People who exercise are advised to keep a log of their workouts. The best results come from documenting change, reviewing variables, and altering things as necessary.  Any professional athlete will have a detailed journal of their training.

Tracking measurements gives us feedback:  is our current strategy working?   It also motivates: visual data showing good results inspires us to continue.

So to lose fat I am going to measure my weight every morning and plot it on a graph.  The reaction to this has been largely negative.  People tell me that I'll become obsessed with my weighing scales;  that this strategy won't work;  that daily weight is too variable;  that even weight-watchers counsel only a weekly weigh-in.

A surprising number of the naysayers are themselves struggling to lose weight.  They are tied into a belief system that stops them from even trying to track daily weight.  And this despite that what they are currently doing is not working.

Careful measurement helps us reach many goals.  Achieving an ideal body weight is no different.

How to achieve what you want

This is simple. Do the important things early in the day.  Not the urgent, only the important.

Whether it’s your yoga practice, meditation, reading, writing, blogging, or exercise, do it first thing.

Do not give in to the temptation to check your emails, grab an extra 15 minutes in bed, or engage in any of a hundred other time-wasting distractions that you can find.

All the pressing urgency of the world can wait while you finish what’s important to you.  Once you’re done then let yourself engage with the normal world. And you will already have taken your biggest step of the day.

Take the blame? Or take the credit?

"The project had unavoidable difficulties. The supplier let us down.  I did try to make some suggestions, but the marketing was inadequate.  Sales teams didn't really pull their weight. And, boss, without wishing to be a snitch, one or two of the other team members didn't quite agree with your decisions."

Sure. None of the responsibility is yours. Any failure or problems can be laid at the feet of somebody else.  Or even blamed on an act of God.

But let me guess, when something goes really well, it's all on you.   Your readiness to blame others is a transparent weakness.  Confidence has no problem admitting when it's wrong.  Confidence has no problems discussing what it could have done better.  And confidence has no need to go grasping for credit.

There's a converse:  some people take the blame for everything but are too shy to take any credit.  Praise is deflected:  "Oh, thanks, but really I didn't do much - it was the other guys who made it happen".  Criticism leads to self-flagellation and introspection.

Balance is missing in both of these.  If you're going to take the credit then you have to be prepared to shoulder the blame.  And if you're busy blaming yourself for everything then stand up and be counted when things go well.

Find balance. The more you can accept your part in things going wrong, the more right you have to stake your claim when things go well.

Be a beacon of praise

I said something the other day that stopped someone in their tracks, and made them smile with pride.  It was only two words, but said with sincerity. And perhaps they hadn't heard it for a while.

All I said was Well Done

We live in a praise-deficient culture. Negative comments are easy to come by, usually dressed up as "constructive criticism", "suggestions for improvement", or "feedback".

We are programmed to respond in kind.  When somebody pays us a compliment it feels natural to compliment them back. Our work culture influences us enormously.  If we're used to receiving criticism then we'll become proficient at giving it.  If we're used to receiving praise, then praise is what we'll give in return.  To switch this around - to be in a negative environment but still put out compliments and positive energy - is difficult.  But it's worth it.

Our subconscious wants us to wait before we start giving praise.  To wait until somebody compliments us, or until an order comes from our boss to foster a more positive workplace, or until we're in a warm and expansive mood.  This waiting is pointless.  We need to take a step ourselves.  Why do you care if somebody praises you first?  Why be stingy with compliments?

Be a beacon of praise.  Be open and free with compliments. Go right now, look somebody in the eye, and tell them:  "You did a great job.  I appreciate it. Well done."

Take more risks

How do we make a car safer to drive?  By installing crumple zones, air bags, seat belts, traction control and ABS.

But how do we make a safer driver for the car?   By removing all the above, and instead placing on the steering wheel a pointed metal rod, whose razor-sharp tip is but an inch from the driver's chest.

Which car is going to have a driver who is more aware and focused?



An analogy (stretched a bit):  your life is the car, but you are the driver.  You can engage in studious risk-minimisation for life.  Be careful what you eat, travel only in areas that are very safe and well-trodden, stick with the job you took ten years ago, hang out with the same group of friends, shop in the usual places, better the devil you know than the devil you don't.  Like the driver of the fully-equipped car, you'll be meandering through life in a socially acceptable daze.  Safe, yes.  Boring, yes.

Living a risk-free life is tedious.  Risk minimisation is sensible at some level, but above a minimum it dulls our senses and stifles our opportunities for experience and growth.

Take more risks.  Go and meet the devil you don't know.  Try new things. Forget about making your world safe for you to live in - focus on making yourself a better 'liver' of the life you have.  Live carefully but not over-safely.  And above all, like the driver of the car with the spike pointed at his chest, live with full alertness and focus.