Be a beacon of praise

I said something the other day that stopped someone in their tracks, and made them smile with pride.  It was only two words, but said with sincerity. And perhaps they hadn't heard it for a while.

All I said was Well Done

We live in a praise-deficient culture. Negative comments are easy to come by, usually dressed up as "constructive criticism", "suggestions for improvement", or "feedback".

We are programmed to respond in kind.  When somebody pays us a compliment it feels natural to compliment them back. Our work culture influences us enormously.  If we're used to receiving criticism then we'll become proficient at giving it.  If we're used to receiving praise, then praise is what we'll give in return.  To switch this around - to be in a negative environment but still put out compliments and positive energy - is difficult.  But it's worth it.

Our subconscious wants us to wait before we start giving praise.  To wait until somebody compliments us, or until an order comes from our boss to foster a more positive workplace, or until we're in a warm and expansive mood.  This waiting is pointless.  We need to take a step ourselves.  Why do you care if somebody praises you first?  Why be stingy with compliments?

Be a beacon of praise.  Be open and free with compliments. Go right now, look somebody in the eye, and tell them:  "You did a great job.  I appreciate it. Well done."

Take more risks

How do we make a car safer to drive?  By installing crumple zones, air bags, seat belts, traction control and ABS.

But how do we make a safer driver for the car?   By removing all the above, and instead placing on the steering wheel a pointed metal rod, whose razor-sharp tip is but an inch from the driver's chest.

Which car is going to have a driver who is more aware and focused?



An analogy (stretched a bit):  your life is the car, but you are the driver.  You can engage in studious risk-minimisation for life.  Be careful what you eat, travel only in areas that are very safe and well-trodden, stick with the job you took ten years ago, hang out with the same group of friends, shop in the usual places, better the devil you know than the devil you don't.  Like the driver of the fully-equipped car, you'll be meandering through life in a socially acceptable daze.  Safe, yes.  Boring, yes.

Living a risk-free life is tedious.  Risk minimisation is sensible at some level, but above a minimum it dulls our senses and stifles our opportunities for experience and growth.

Take more risks.  Go and meet the devil you don't know.  Try new things. Forget about making your world safe for you to live in - focus on making yourself a better 'liver' of the life you have.  Live carefully but not over-safely.  And above all, like the driver of the car with the spike pointed at his chest, live with full alertness and focus.

Some Rumi

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.

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When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you're not here, I can't fall asleep.

Praise God for these two insomnias!
And the difference between them.

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I am filled with you.
Skin, blood, bone, brain, and soul.
There's no room for lack of trust, or trust.
Nothing in this existence but that existence.


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Gamble everything for love,
if you're a true human being.

If not, leave
this gathering.

Half-heartedness doesn't reach
into majesty.  You set out
to find God, but then you keep
stopping for long periods
at mean-spirited roadhouses.

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If you want what visible reality
can give, you're an employee.

If you want the unseen world,
you're not living your triuth.

Both wishes are foolish,
but you'll be forgiven for forgetting
that what you really want is
love's confusing joy.

Rumi (trans. by Coleman Barks)

Don't be too honest

We aren't designed to be honest, and we certainly aren't set up to hear honest opinions.  Those who endorse absolute honesty are not suited to living in a social environment.

Absolute honesty is brutal.  It means telling your partner that yes, her bum does look big.  That no, you don't like the special meal she spent hours cooking for you. And that you really couldn't care less what Bob said to her at work the other day.

It means that when somebody asks you how you are, you actually tell them. No holding back: you just broke a nail, your piles are playing up, and you're worried about dying.

What do you think of my new painting? I think it's ugly; it reminds me of the time my dog had diarrhoea and walked it across the carpet. But at least you've used more colour.

People confuse honesty with brute honesty.  Brute honesty involves dumping out your opinions regardless of the effect it will have on somebody else.  It is cruelty disguised as a moral choice, and it strips human interaction of the social lubricant that we need when there are 7 billion of us living in close proximity.

True honesty is a virtue that is tempered by kindness, consideration, and love. There is nothing wrong with a white lie.  The only problem is mission creep - you start to confuse the boundaries between a white lie and something more.  The question to ask of a white lie is this:  who am I trying to help?  If it's the other, then fine.  If you're lying mainly to make life better for yourself then perhaps you're into a shade of grey. White lies make life easier for both parties, but the person benefitting most should be the hearer.

Be honest, sure. But more important, be kind.

How can I like myself more?

How can I like myself more?

You can't.  All the affirmations, visualisations and positive thinking in the world won't help. Sorry. Next, please.

Oh, wait - there is one thing you can try. Simply stop doing the things that make you like yourself less. We all have habits of which we aren't proud. I used to always like to have the last word until I realised that each time I 'won' an argument I actually liked myself a little less. When I plan to read before bed but pointlessly browse the internet until it's too late to read, then I like myself a little less.

What are the things you do that make you dislike yourself? Common things include shopping for gadgets and clothes you don't need, constantly sniping at a loved one, watching TV even though you realise you could be spending time more productively, having to win an argument, being unfaithful to a partner, being persistently late, yielding to the temptation of a drink or a cigarette when you've given up, watching porn, and not going to the gym when you planned to.

Forget the vague goal of "liking yourself". Cut out the specific behaviours that make you like yourself less.  If nothing else you will change your life for the better.

De-clutter your emotional life

Once upon a time I thought that a friend would be a friend for life. I thought that no love affair could end so bitterly that no vestige of affection would remain.  I thought that a blood relative would forever have some place in my heart. I thought that 'clutter' meant only the physical.  And I thought that getting older meant getting more: more friends, more relationships, more relatives, and more things.

Only now am I beginning to see that life is better with some of the fat trimmed off it. It hurts me when a friendship has run its course, but it hurts me more to try and maintain some pallid version of it.  I feel sad when a relationship has no future, but sadder still when I strain to keep it alive with a pretence of passion.

There are those who can cut a person out of their lives with barely a thought.  I'm not one of them. In fact I've rarely decided to sever contact with someone.  Nonetheless some people are bad medicine for me: they bring to my life more negative than positive, more pain than pleasure, more conflict than kindness.  The best thing I can do - with compassion for both of us - is to cut these few out of my life.

Sometimes it will also be the best thing for you to do.  Just remember to sever ties with compassion instead of anger.  Your aim is the opposite of hate.  And the opposite of hate isn't love; the opposite of hate is indifference.

Do what the scriptures tell you to do

The commander of the occupation troops said to the mayor of the mountain village, "We know you are hiding a traitor. Unless you give him up to us we will torture you and your people by every means in out power."

The village was, indeed, hiding a man who seemed good and innocent, and was loved by all. But what could the mayor do now that the welfare of the village was at stake? Days of discussions in the village council led to no conclusion. So the mayor finally took the matter up with the priest.  Preist and mayor spent a whole night searching the scriptures and finally came up with a text that said: "It is better that one man die to save the nation."

So the mayor handed over the innocent man, whose screams echoed through the village as he was tortured and put to death.

Many years later a prophet came to that village, went right up to the mayor, and said, "How could you have done what you did?  That man was innocent. And you handed him over to be tortured and killed."

"But where did I go wrong?", pleaded the mayor.  "The priest and I looked all night at the scriptures, and did what they commanded."

"That's where you went wrong," said the prophet. "You looked at the scriptures. But you should also have looked into the man's eyes."