We aren't designed to be honest, and we certainly aren't set up to hear honest opinions. Those who endorse absolute honesty are not suited to living in a social environment.
Absolute honesty is brutal. It means telling your partner that yes, her bum does look big. That no, you don't like the special meal she spent hours cooking for you. And that you really couldn't care less what Bob said to her at work the other day.
It means that when somebody asks you how you are, you actually tell them. No holding back: you just broke a nail, your piles are playing up, and you're worried about dying.
What do you think of my new painting? I think it's ugly; it reminds me of the time my dog had diarrhoea and walked it across the carpet. But at least you've used more colour.
People confuse honesty with brute honesty. Brute honesty involves dumping out your opinions regardless of the effect it will have on somebody else. It is cruelty disguised as a moral choice, and it strips human interaction of the social lubricant that we need when there are 7 billion of us living in close proximity.
True honesty is a virtue that is tempered by kindness, consideration, and love. There is nothing wrong with a white lie. The only problem is mission creep - you start to confuse the boundaries between a white lie and something more. The question to ask of a white lie is this: who am I trying to help? If it's the other, then fine. If you're lying mainly to make life better for yourself then perhaps you're into a shade of grey. White lies make life easier for both parties, but the person benefitting most should be the hearer.
Be honest, sure. But more important, be kind.
What a thought-provoking and well-written post, sir.
ReplyDeleteYou made a particularly important point about mission creep - asking ourselves who exactly we are serving..... self-serving or otherwise. I worry sometimes about white lies though. I worry that it can be a slippery slope into dishonesty (ref: Dan Ariely's book the honest truth about dishonesty).
Kindness, compassion and empathy are so important, I absolutely agree.
What do you think about this other possibility, in addition to what is a corrupted interpretation of "moral choice" when one delivers an 'honest' answer in a brutal/cruel way: Could ego and 'power' come into play here? The way I see it, when one asks another for their opinion, the person asking is putting him/herself in a vulnerable position - asking for a judgement/opinion. And by giving a cutting or brutal reply, one can alter the power dynamics further? And so damaging...
Being both honest and kind - something for us to keep striving for? And hopefully the more we try to follow this combination, the better we get at it?
Regards,
SuziT.