Questions to avoid

We pay more attention to our statements than to our questions. It’s not uncommon for people to regret voicing an opinion, but much rarer to hear “damn, I wish I hadn’t asked that question”.  Our culture encourages questioning – intelligent questions are meant to show our incisive and inquisitive mind. Some people even proclaim that there is no such thing as a stupid question.

Nonetheless there are circumstance where asking a question – if not exactly stupid – is certainly unwise.

1. If you’re not interested in the answer. Convention encourages us to follow protocol when meeting people, especially at a social event. We ask about their job, their kids, their home, and their hobbies.  And often we couldn’t care less about the answer.  This is not a path to a good interaction.  Ask questions about which you’re genuinely interested – where is their favourite place in the world for a holiday? What’s the most interesting book they’ve read this year? What have they done recently that has scared or excited them?   Step away from the mundane and make the conversation personal.

2. If you only want to hear one answer. These questions are usually heavily invested with emotion and expectation, and there is only one answer that somebody can give.  E.g.

Do you love me?

Would you ever cheat on me?

Will you miss me?

Do you find me attractive?

Do you think I’m intelligent?

Do you think you’ll get a genuine and truthful answer to these? It’s possible, albeit unlikely. And by asking you show insecurity and neediness.  If it’s praise you want then that’s your call, but be aware that compliments and reassurances given under pressure are often false.

3. If you don’t want to hear the answer. These crop up in relationships. Sometimes we feel a need to pry into darker parts of our partner’s past, and sometimes they are sufficiently honest to answer us. How many people have you slept with? Have you ever had a one night stand?  Have you ever cheated on me?  Hearing the answers to these questions will not make you happier, and too much honesty is corrosive to a relationship.

4. For reassurance. Perhaps you’re not sure how you performed in a situation at work, and you decide to ask your boss. From weakest and most needy to a better way of asking:

(Puppy dog eyes, submissive body language) “Did I do ok today boss?”

“How did I do today?”

“How could I have done better today?”

“I don’t think I performed as well as I could have done today. How can I do better in future?”

The last question is the most honest and will get you the truest feedback to improve. And it’s wise to ask even when things go smoothly: “I feel that the conference this morning went well. Any tips for making things even better next time?”

Craft questions well, avoid asking those which are weak or pointless, and see how it affects your communication.